Friday, June 22, 2012

From the BFC Vault:

Came across this gem today.  I'm still not exactly sure how "Mookie" pulled this one off.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "President Hansen"
To:
Cc:
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 22:33:24 +0200
Subject: [fishing] Upcoming Elections



Dear Members of the BFC,

    It comes with great pleasure that I take time out of my day to assist you in your nominations.  First of all, I feel the need to address the lack of presence that the Bates Fishing Club has had on campus.  In past years there have been many events thus far, and you have been a more visible presence on campus.  In past years I would enjoy walking around Lake Andrews with my dog Fufu as we would admire the artistry of the fly fisherman casting their lines onto the placid water.  I remembered meeting and engaging in conversation with many of the student "fisherpersons".  Three members who I spoke with had a lasting impression on me.  Keith Lane, a graduate of the class of '03 and Ryan Heffernan '05, not only a gifted fisherman but a talented photographer as well, were the ones I recall reeling in fish after fish.  On the otherhand, Chester "Chet" Clem was a very visible member, but lacked the skill and ability as many of the other "fisherpersons".  Although this is neither here nor there, I feel that Chet, neither gifted in fishing nor writing, also has many effeminate qualities.  I can see it in the way he walks, the way he fishes (or lack thereof), as well as in the way he writes.  Honestly, I would not be surprised if he has pink sheets on his bed.  In fact, I have received word from a credible source that Chester has a half-naked Justin Timberlake poster in his room.  With this said I must insist that you nominate a more qualified, more masculine leader.  I would not be surprised if the previously mentioned "Grace" would be a better leader.  Deep in my heart I feel that one of Chet's beloved roommates and ladyslayer, Richard "Mookie" Blalock, would be a more suitable candidate.  Fufu and I have firsthand knowledge that "Mookie's" sheets are not pink, but are in fact a masculine blue.  His boyish good looks can only be rivaled by the likes of Brad Pitt and John Edwards.  Richard clearly stands apart from the rest and avoids the tendency of flip-flopping, which John Kerry and Chester Clem have resorted to. 

    In closing, I propose that Chester Clem be removed from the position of "Bass Master" as he should clearly be a strong candidate for the newly created position "The Hooker" against my beloved "Grace".  I appreciate your anonymous request for my input, and I look forward to being an active member under the new administration.  Thank you and vote well.
 

Elaine T. Hansen
President

 "MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING, IT'S THE ONLY THING!" -Anonymous


Elaine T. Hansen
President
Bates College
2 Andrews Road
Lewiston, ME  04240
(207) 786-6100
(207) 786-6434 [fax]
email:  president@bates.edu

3 comments:

Clark Winchell said...

ha, tremendous! i have to admit that i thought this letter legit till the statement that Chester Clem "lacked skill and ability".

Clark Winchell said...

(continued) at which point i began to question it's authenticity. good read for a saturday morning at work. thanks jess.

Keith said...

hahahaha. What a classic email